Life After Jacob's Foot: Twilight Three: There Is No Spoon

I think Bill Simmons has put the Twilight obsession into perspective for me. Should I wait to write about Twilight so that this could coincide with the release of "Twilight Three: There Is No Spoon"? Probably; however I'm feeling the complete opposite of how North Korea's feeling as they leave South Africa for their home country.

Rumors are circled that the DPRK's team will be punished for their poor performance in the Cup by being forced to work in the Coal Mines for the rest of their lives. Officials close to the club deny it, citing the Asian Cup being a mere seven months away. Rumors have also circled that Kim Jong-il is responsible for the drubbing his team took against Portugal. Rumor has it the PRK's leader texted the PRK coach, Kim Jong-hun tactics to use. Why in the world would anyone tell a coach to go away from the tactics that nearly gave the DPRK an epic upset over Brazil, the number one team in the world? Maybe if I ran the only Stanlinist country left on the planet I would understand but, to use the famous last words of one fictional LOST character John Locke: I don't understand. I've read as many DPRK articles I could during their time in the World Cup and I'm even MORE confused and mystified. I just hope the players aren't sent to the coal mines for the rest of their lives. The game against Brazil was very impressive. This mysterious and enigmatic North Korean squad going toe-to-toe against Brazil. One wonders, though, after the games with Portugal and the Ivory Coast, how much the Brazil game boiled down to the Brazil side being mostly clueless about the team aside from qualifies and friendlies. NO! I shall not take away a great effort by the North Korean squad. It was quite an experience watching the team and reading about them. Also, Ian Darke is the greatest soccer broadcaster in the world.

Anywho, back to Twilight Three: There Is No Spoon, the obsessive Twihards, and the idea of obsession. I never understood the Twilight fanfare when Joss Whedon created and co-created the two finest vampire shows of all-time. After reading The Sports Guy's opening paragraph in his Draft Diary about how he doesn't take the piss out of his wife and daughter's love for Twilight and Robert Pattinson, citing his six fantasy leagues as his own insane obsession, I too realized I have insane obsessions. In fact, this blog is living proof of one such obsession: LOST. I'm the same guy involved in fantasy leagues for baseball, hockey, football and basketball. There's a never period during the year when I'M NOT setting a lineup or thinking about my fantasy sports teams. I'm the same guy who obsesses over ESPN'S Streak For The Cash, when the mood strikes me. True story: I once watched two terrible CAA teams play on the University of Delaware website because I picked one of them. I also have too much time on my hands.

So, to not bore the masses reading, I will cut my list of nonsense obsessions short and say this to the Twihards: Life After Jacob's Foot is a safe haven for you. I will not insult the franchise. Okay, I probably will when the mood strikes me like now.

I really want to deliver one message: under no circumstances should anyone dress like a vampire and apply glitter to himself or herself to capture the sparkle aspect of the mythology. A vampire sparkling's about the lamest attribute for a supernatural creature. It's on par with the nazi werewolves True Blood just introduced.

Additionally, I want to deliver this message to those who think the actors are actually the characters they get paid to portray. You realize if the casting director and the director had an eye for talent, they would not cast Robert Pattinson in this role? The same applies for Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, etc. I've seen no more than 45 minutes of the first Twilight movie. During this time, a buddy of mine merely made tons of obscene jokes during the forty-five minutes. Why do Twihards send death threats to Emilie de Ravin for merely accepting an acting job in which the story had her being romantically involved with the character Robert Pattinson was cast to portray? It's not Edward Cullen leaving Bella Wetblanket for Emilie de Ravin. There comes a time when people must differentiate between reality and fiction. Actually, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO THAT. Do you think I walk around and refuse to accept an actor who worked on LOST as any other character? No. Somehow, this only happens with a series of books that poorly reverses established vampire tropes, is poorly written and poorly acted. Do you want to see a real vampire movie? Netflix the Swedish film Let The Right One In.

Well, if any Twilight fans actually read this, I'm sure they won't read anything I write again. I will now stop writing so I can follow the Spain/Chile game and the Swiss/Honduras game closely.

THE YOUTUBE CLIP OF THE WEEK

In tribute of Michael Jackson, who died one year ago today, here is "Rock With You