The Secret Life of the American Teenager "I Do and I Don't" Review

Ever wonder what a random dude thinks about your favorite show? Well, wonder no more. During the slow summer months, I'll tune into random shows and write about them. This begins with tonight's episode of The Secret Life of An American Teenager, a series I've only seen clips of while watching The Soup.

So, Brenda Hampton and I meet again after a long six years. I still remember the day The CW renewed the shitstorm that was 7th Heaven over Everwood. 7th Heaven had just aired its series finale. The WB promoted the heck out of the 10th and final season every week. The sets were torn down. Meanwhile, Everwood returned from an epic three month hiatus with its best run of episodes in quite some time. The TV business is driven by money, though. 7th Heaven could make The CW a guaranteed buck where Everwood couldn't. The Everwood internet fanbase went insane, perplexed by how 7th Heaven could live on while Everwood went to the big storage room in the sky.

7th Heaven performed horribly for The CW. The series ended. Soon, the folks at ABC Family swooped in to woo Brenda Hampton into making a show for their network. Why?!? Why hand Hampton the keys to another TV show? Now, I know the answer, meaning I understand the business reasons for wanting to be in business with Brenda Hampton. 7th Heaven ran ten goddamn seasons, and Secret Life is on its fifth. The woman makes absolutely horrible television, but people watch her shows week after week. Advertisers pay for time during her shows. Somehow and someway she breaks the rules of screenwriting and gets away with it. Hand one of her scripts over to Carson at Scriptshadow with a fake name and he'll rip it shreds, and then the comment section will rip the script some more.

Lucky for me, tonight's episode of The Secret Life of an American Teenager was penned by the creator/show runner, thee Brenda Hampton. I didn't need to see her name in the credits to figure out who wrote the episode. From minute one until the first commercial break, every line of dialogue had the Brenda Hampton side, and I wanted to concuss myself. Hampton's dialogue is atrocious. Characters stand around and repeat the same information twenty thousand times before the scene ends. One character will say something; the other character will repeat what that character said and add his or her own thoughts on what that character just aid; the first character will repeat what the character said about what he or she said first in addition to the additional thoughts of the other character and then comment on the thoughts of that character, and on and on and on until you want to The Rock to bludgeon you about the head with a steel chair fifteen times in a row.

I knew three things before I watched "I Do and I Don't," courtesy of the wonderful people who produce and write The Soup: I knew Shailene Woodley's character was a lesbian for a span of episodes; I knew a blonde and brunette kissed; I knew Woodley's character married a fellow named Ricky or, rather, might have married a fellow named Ricky. Thanks to Hampton's clunky dialogue, I knew just about everything I needed by episode's end. The whole school treated Amy and Ricky's marriage like the royal wedding. I don't know why. The student body was incredibly supportive of the marriage. The parents of the betrothed were also supportive, so proud of these crazy kids who went out and ELOPED. Oh yeah, friends and well-wishers, don't sleep on the word 'elope' in the 21st century. Brenda Hampton falls in love with certain words. I can't recall specific examples of this from 7th Heaven, thank goodness, but characters will repeat a certain word throughout an episode for no reason. Remember when Eric Matthews used whatever word he discovered was the word of the day? This repetition is like Eric Matthews poor usage. So, anyway, characters used the word elope in nearly every scene. "Heard you eloped last night;" "It's so magical Amy and Ricky eloped;" and blah blah elope blah blah.

Brenda Hampton's characters have the habit of latching onto the most trivial bullshit. I remember this trait in the 7th Heaven characters. If a neighbor didn't wave to someone else in church, the insult became the center of the episode's action. It was mind-numbing to watch. The elopement between Amy and Ricky was the talk of the hall ways. The teaser included a song-and-dance in which two students personified Ricky and sang a song about not being able to wait to marry Amy. I had a feeling the well-dressed female students were about to sing; it was more of a premonition of something horrifying being moments away from revealing itself. I started to yell out loud, "For the love of god no!" as the number began. The number kept going and going. I experienced flash backs of the torturous "this is the song that never ends and it goes on and on my friends" song from my childhood. Shailene Woodley, the poor girl, had to express feelings of happiness as she watched the student celebrate her and Ricky's holy union. And the song would never end. The dancing continued. I started to focus on the corners of the frame and on the extras faces. The extras collectively wore the face of Broadway dancers who smile all the time during their song-and-dance. It reminded me of the South Park residents during one of the musical numbers in which they, too, smile and I can't help but think Trey and Matt are poking fun at this habit of background singers and dancers. The song finally ends. Amy's interactions with any other character will center on her marriage. The dialogue has no more to offer than a regurgitation of information: "You are married." Yes, I am." "I am happy for you."

The worst scene in the episode involves four girls conversing after a character named Ben called a character named Omar a 'pervert.' Omar is a 22 year old grad student who is student teaching in order to complete his Master's degree. The reason Ben called Omar a pervert involves a girl named Adrienne who happens to be Omar's current girlfriend and Ben's ex-wife. (It seems half of the characters are formerly married and none are even twenty). The name-calling turns into an accusation. Omar reports Ben. The four girls then converse for nearly 4 minutes about what the viewer watched in the previous scene. They alternately defend Ben and Omar, using what they know about both characters to defend their claims of defense. Mind you, Ben explicated the reason why he used the word 'pervert,' but nothing is said on Secret Life without serious consequences. Lucy Camden, the actress portrays the school guidance counselor, drones on about the gravity of the word 'pervert,' especially when used against a teacher. I feel sorry for the poor souls who will watch the entire season and be subjected to week-after-week of 'Omar isn't a pervert but because he's a school teacher he will be investigated.' Some TV shows move as fast a SEPTA regional rail train, but others move like a goddamn sloth.

Hampton wastes her 42 minutes of TV time. The word 'structure' does not exist in her world. I'm convinced it doesn't. There are K stories in "I Do and I don't." Scenes pop up from out of nowhere. A young girl guilts her boyfriend into dropping everything to move to Italy with her. Molly Ringwald converses with her mother who seems to have dementia about how she's a homosexual. The mother, though, interprets Ringwald's use of gay to mean the city of Paris. What the hell? A newly married couple make out in front of their children while their daughter piously says grace and continues to rail against sex outside of marriage. Ben and Ricky are engaged in rivalry because they love the same woman. Amy mentors a pregnant freshmen girl. The lone semblance of a story is the marriage question between Amy and Ricky. The rest is filler. I don't doubt the storylines will continue in the season. Usually, though, episodes are held together by a theme and stories and wild stuff like that. The Secret Life of the American Teenager is a collection of scenes. A fine example of another one of these random out-of-the-blue scenes happens halfway through the episode on a football field.
Another 7th Heaven alum shows up. The coach and his assistant note that their QB is a Christian. The Christian QB happens to be 'tebowing' as they establish that he's a Christian. Suddenly, the key to the team's season is presenting the QB as high school's Tim Tebow. The real Tim Tebow craze was awful to watch. Hampton's version of Tebow will be unwatchable.

Shailene Woodley needs to get out of her contract. The young actress broke out in The Descendents. The script won an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay. Imagine what it must be like for her to return to the world of Brenda Hampton fiction. Woodley has nothing to work with. A dog with paint on its paws that accidentally walks across a piece of paper and leaves traces of paint on the paper will give the girl more to work with than one of the scripts. Allow me to compliment Woodley on her perfect hair. She is an actual glowing presence on the show. Besides her, The Secret Life of the American Teenager sucks; it's as bad as the 2011-2012 Charlotte Bobcats.

If you want to know what actually happened, i.e. a detailed recap of the episode, you came to the wrong place. Read the title, "I Do and I Don't," and that's your episode. Literally. Amy and Ricky wanted to marry but didn't. That's it. Nothing else to see. Go take a run. Watch an episode of Pawn Stars. Read a book. Do anything else but watch the show.

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