Live Blog: Katy Perry hosts Saturday Night Live

I haven’t liked an entire season of Saturday Night Live in over a decade. I feel as if the writers haven’t tried since Will Ferrell left the show. With the exception of several weeks during election season, SNL’s recycled the same bits and characters. If you like quirky Kristin Wiig, there’s about seven variations of quirky (or ODD) Kristin Wiig characters. Fred Armisen hasn’t tried to be funny since the early aughts--his Obama impersonations cease to be impersonations; instead, Armisen wears a suit and acts himself. New SNL cast members with a gift for comedy and, more importantly, potential, struggle for screen time while veterans such as the aforementioned Wiig, Armisen, as well as Samberg, Sudeikis, and Seth Meyers suck the energy right out of a scene. Is it too much to ask for Lorne to use Bobby Moynihan more or Abby Elliot? At least Nasim Pedrard’s been used more frequently, even if she’s the go-to-girl for precocious young children roles.

Quite honestly, I’m unsure why I chose to live-blog the Katy Perry episode of SNL. I just wanted to experiment with live-blogging once and SNL’s the easiest TV show to live-blog. I don’t have high hopes for the episode. Some critics declared the current season as the one of SNL’s best in several years. Of course, the same thing was said of the 2008-2009 season. Such a compliment’s the equivalent of critics who declare each and every Stephen King book to be his best in years. All I know is that I fell asleep during the last two LIVE SNL broadcasts. I might fall asleep mid-blog if Kristin Wiig’s Target Lady gets an eight minute sketch or if she and Armisen get 5 minutes of atrocious improv on Weekend Update as Seth Meyers struggles to keep a straight face, then realizes he’s Seth Meyers and can do whatever the bleep he wants so he laughs and the audience laughs and I bludgeon myself about the head with a steel chair.

I’ll post updates between commercial breaks or every 5-8 minutes. Tell your friends.


Cold Open: I’m awaiting the episode to begin. A party of six just ordered six bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios in a commercial. I never understood why people would drive to a diner or restaurant to order cereal. Allright here we go: Kristin Wiig is Greta van Sustern. Andy Samberg is Rick Santorum. Moynihan is Gingrich. Darrell Hammond returns from doing literally nothing to portray Donald Trump.

Thus far, the jokes are the same old republican jokes the show’s been telling for several years. Trump promises new information on Obama’s citizenship. I thought the birth-certificate furor ended several months ago. Trump just laid out his plan for settling the turmoil in the Middle East. Trump resembles a character from one of my nonsense movies in that he’s constantly talking about his large properties, his hot wife, his abundant wealth. There were two digs at Santorum in 10 seconds. And Hammond just delivered the live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

HERE COMES KATY PERRY!

Katy Perry’s Monologue: Katy Perry’s in a red dress with Christmas ornaments adorned on the front. Her earrings are Christmas trees. Her hair color is blonde and it’s shorter. I wonder how many times the band will laugh at the jokes. Katy Perry has a single blue streak through her hair. Here comes fake Katy Perry friend: Janet Frankel (portrayed by Kristin Wiig, dressed like an extra from the “California Girls” video). Janet just tried to kiss Katy Perry (“Had to try”).

Andy Samberg portrays Cathy Von Tate, a grotesque looking female with hideous braces, terrible hair, and SHE tries to kiss Katy Perry. And here comes Tom, who wants to kiss her. Frankel’s back to remind Katy of her roots. Perry confessed that “I Kissed a Girl” is about Janet Frankel. “Teenage Dream” plays as Katy Perry leans in for the kiss and cups Wiig’s gigantic bra. Out of nowhere, the monologue ends as Perry promises everyone a great show is in store. An abrupt ending to a directionless sketch.

State Campus TV: Taran Killam and Vanessa Bayer are two characters whose name I missed. The sketch is inspired by those hyper, fever-dream Japanese talk shows, in which the colors are overwhelming and the energy drug-like. The Soup debuted a brand new commercial for their mobile Soup app that parodied Japanese popular culture. Sudeikis’ professor character just chimed in with facts about Japanese popular culture and how these students are, in fact, stupid students who do not know the first thing about a foreign nation’s pop culture.

HEY! Katy Perry looks adorable. I, again, missed the character’s name. She’s dressed in Hello Kitty gear. Armisen’s also in the sketch as a Japanese girl. He does NOT look adorable. The professor continues to deny any kind of creative involvement in the potentially controversial State Campus TV Program. I have a feeling the sketch wasn’t worked on long enough. There are random bursts of song. Katy Perry sang a song. More insane singing. This is terrible.

Pre-Taped Jawn: A parody of the New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day movies, which is just an excuse for the various cast members to whip out their best impressions. The highlights were Hader’s Alda impression, Kenan’s Al Roker, Pharoh’s Cuba Gooding, and a surprisingly good Kim Cattral impression by Wiig. Of course, there was a nonsense twist to this collection of Hollywood A-listers--they found love on the day of the apocalypse. Katy Perry’s cleavage was Christina Aguliera. The  pre-taped jawn ended on an explosion. I don’t mind three minutes of impressions.

Finland 6--Kalie: Katy Perry’s playing herself in this sketch. Kristin Wiig’s a Finnish interviewer. I don’t know what convinced the writers to generalize Scandinavian people. The clips of Katy Perry are both embarrassing and humiliating for “Katy Perry.” One featured an airport snafu, the other involved Russell Brand thrusting open air, and the first was a fake music video of Perry running around in braces. Perry’s increasingly horrified by this Finnish broadcast TV’s clip selection. I can’t help but notice Wiig’s Finnish accent’s more Canadian than Finnish. Katy Perry now loves Kalie, and she has a clip: the two women sitting in a posh club, drinking wine, laughing heartily. Perry’s freaked that clip came from future.

What the hell was that?

Digital Short: Val Kilmer, Matt Damon, Katy Perry, Andy Samberg sang a song about best friends. The digital short’s have become less ambitious. Samberg seems like he mails it in if Justin Timberlake’s not on the show. I have one immediate thought: I’m glad no one forgot about the existence of Val Kilmer. Kilmer’s too bizarre an actor and person to be forgotten about. The man owns a bison farm in New Mexico. Chuck Klosterman wrote the definitive profile of Kilmer several years back. I feel sad now that Katy Perry’s abandoned Samberg because Matt Damon just shot himself in the mouth. Various people from the past such as Abe Lincoln and Marilyn Monroe showed up. Nasim Pedrad portrayed Monroe, so that was enjoyable, although I wonder why Abby Elliott wasn’t Monroe. I have no other thoughts on the digital short. This has been a weird episode, but Katy Perry’s been good.

Fake Commercial: This one is for Doggie Duty. There are illustrations of dogs in business suits and judges gowns. For the second time in a half hour, this is a platform for impressions. Bill Hader once again stole the sketch with his Clint Eastwood impression. The celebrities sang altered versions of their smash hits. Instead of the actual lyrics, there were references to dog’s taking shits and urinating. Sudeiksis was Meatloaf. Samberg sang an altered version of “Two Princes.” Anytime I hear that music I think about the 1993 Phillies, as well as the 2008 Phillies because my buddy Diddy used the song on a parade tape he made.

Robyn 1: I’ve never heard of Robyn before. Her look is unique--a 90s mushroom-cut hairstyle, large hiking boots, and leather jeans (I’m sure the pants have an actual name but they looked like leather jeans to me). The drummer was stage-left, which is curious. I’ve never seen a drummer anywhere but center. Of course, Incubus’ drummer played on an angle at the Red Rocks. I wish Katy Perry hosted and sang.


Weekend Update: The jokes are fast and forgettable so far. The best visual gag the Weekend Update came up with for the Queen of England’s pay freeze was a Burger King hat. Kristin Wiig came onto the set as Rebecca, a flirt expert who is currently flirting with the camera as well as Seth Meyers. As predicted, Seth Meyers has that shit-eating grin on his face. I dare say Wiig’s enticing as Rebecca the flirt expert--enticing and entertaining. I’m  being drawn in, forgetting what I want to write. Now, Seth Meyers is laughing. Rebecca’s gone from enticing to annoying. Wiig and the writers don’t know their limits. Rebecca crossed the line by spreading her legs for Seth. Seth just told her she’s a good person. Rebecca’s happy again and leaves.

A town in Espana limited toilet paper use to 82 feet. Interesting. Meyers made a joke about where the plot of Contagion truly came from, which was pretty good. Oh dear. Alec Baldwin’s portraying the airline pilot, the pilot who should’ve flown Baldwin to wherever the hell he was going until Baldwin was kicked off for playing the word game on the iPad. The conceit is: the pilot wants to apologize to Baldwin for the swift action the stewardess took. Baldwin’s self-fellating himself. SNL’s also fellating him. Seth told Alec he wishes to end the ruse. Alec leaves.

Seth just made a joke about E! that didn’t quite work. He waited for a minute to see if it landed. It did not. A man in Alaska survived on beer. Levante believed their early season success came from pizza and beer. Stefan’s just rolled onto set. Stefan’s offering tips for tourists heading to NYC for the holidays. His tips aren’t traditional. This will continue for the next two minutes. Seth is bemused. Hader just broke, which is rare, and makes whatever he’s saying funnier. Seth deserves credit for keeping it together. Now he’s apologizing to Stefan. Stefan always thought Meyers was built by gay scientists. Seth is now laughing. I suppose it was only a matter of time. I feel like I should accent part of Stefan’s name. Oh well. You live, you learn. Weekend Update ended with a joke about a midget singing gangsta rap on Seth’s shoulder. Well, then.

Kate Middleton Pregnant Sketch: I actually enjoy this sketch. It’s not so much a sketch about Kate Middleton as it is about the street-tough ways of the Queen and Prince. Middleton stands alone to be insulted by William's royal family. The Queen just went cockney on Middleton’s high class ass. Abby Elliot’s accent isn’t so much British as it is Drew Barrymoreish. The Queen and Prince are always prim and proper whenever Williams’ not around. Katy Perry looks absolutely smashing as Pippa Middleton. Armisen just said, “I bet Pippa knows how to get buggered.” Pippa called the Queen and Prince ‘wankers’ and compared the queen to Gandalf in drag. Katy Perry’s cockney isn’t very good. Now this is more like it: a Clash-style rendition of Christmas in London, complete with skanking. I feel like I’m back in my Post-Colonial British class. Nothing’s going to top this sketch.

Politics Nation w/Al Sharpton: Kenan’s Al Sharpton, in case you wondered. Katy Perry’s Kelly McDonald. Killam’s Jim Vandehei. Sharpton made fun of his last name. According to Sharpton, Obama’s been pushing for a Holiday holla back. SNL Sharpton’s extremely literal and he confuses which camera to look into as he speaks. “There are red lights everywhere,” Sharpton exclaims. Sharpton wants to know if Republicans are actual Nazis which then transitioned into a childhood story of Sharpton’s about a game he played with the word Nazi in it. Sharpton looked into the wrong camera again. I assume Al Sharpton’s a horrible host on MSNBCS. I question why any program director would green light an Al Sharpton show in the first place.

Robyn 2: I apologize for missing the existence of a second drummer stage-right. The synth guy’s center stage. Robyn’s wearing another unique outfit. This woman’s definitely lip-syncing. Robyn’s a Swedish singer. She hails from Stockholm. I always wanted to visit Sweden. Her music reminds me of Madonna. Her entire look is Madonna-lite. The song she’s singing has a good hook.


Last Sketch: I don’t know what the name is: the sketch OR the characters. I’m not sure if I should mail in this bit about the final sketch like SNL does every week. Katy Perry’s portraying an attractive lady being pursued by suitors in a classy bar. At the bar, Bobby Moynihan begins to woo her. They share the exact same interests--including a love of Jewel. Sudeikis is singing ridiculous words on stage because he “ain’t got nothing if he ain’t got love.” The sketch concludes with Katy Perry’s death after she and Moynihan marry. They actually shared a several-seconds-long kiss that inspired some supportive shouts from the crowd. Bobby Moynihan, you lucky son of a gun.

And so that’s it. Katy Perry was fine tonight. The material written for her largely sucked. Sketches went nowhere before ending abruptly. Jimmy Fallon hosts next week’s Christmas episode. I hope The Barry Gibb Talk Show returns. I also hope ‘What Up With That’ comes out of retirement for one night only. I won’t live blog SNL every week. I dislike the show too much to frantically write 2,000 words in 90 minutes.

THE YOUTUBE CLIP OF THE WEEK