Thursday, October 4, 2012

2012 Week 5 NFL Picks

Monty Python's "Literary Football" sketch feels completely modern despite it being shot in 1969. Sports journalists salivate over the opportunity to turn a double play into a feat of poetic immortality. I wish sports writers and broadcasters discussed the sport the way Eric Idle's Interviewer does. Imagine Dierdorf using language like this:
"Last night in the Stadium of Light, Jarrow, we wimessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition, when Jarrow United came of age, in a European sense, with an almost Proustian display of modern existentialist football. Vimally annihilating by midfield moral argument the now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive philosophy of Signor Alberto Fanffino. Bologna indeed were a side intellectually out argued by a Jarrow team thrusting and bursting with aggressive Kantian positivism and outstanding in this fine Jarrow team was my man of the match, the arch-thinker, free scheming, scarcely ever to be curbed, midfield coguoscento, Jimmy Buzzard."
Dierdorf would cause my head to explode if he compared the battle between the Steelers and the Ravens to nonsense literary theories. (Of course Dierdorf would exchange the soccer terms for American football terms.) Name any play-by-player of color man in a football booth for FOX, CBS, ABC, or NBC, or any network that airs college football, and I'd love to hear them compare football to philosophic ideas or literary theories or even authors and the books by themselves. I complain a lot about announce teams. The majority of the time they're basically authoritatively stating what the audience is doing: 'THIS IS FOOTBALL! THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE' or 'YOU ARE WATCHING FOOTBALL PLAYERS PLAY FOOTBALL.'

I just want American announce teams to quit their bad habits. The sport boasts some great voices. Besides my love for Idle's elevated vision of the sport of soccer, I also love the back-and-forth between Interviewer and Buzzard. The Interviewer continues using language you'd hear in an English classroom, and Buzzard responds to his questions by confirming that he kicked the ball and that the ball then went into the net. It's just a sport. Maybe it doesn't deserve the kind of language many folk would describe as 'pretentious.' Maybe NFL announce teams need to quit acting like the NFL is the best frat on the planet, and everyone else who dismisses any part of NFL football doesn't know NFL football.

Arizona over St. Louis

-The first presidential debate happened last night, but the fictional debate between Shawn Hunter, Cory Matthews, and random nerd character, which no one except me would declare more important than the real election, has been on my mind since Saturday afternoon. Cory runs for student body president for a number of reasons. Shawn builds him up like he's Jon Gruden in a one-on-one with a rookie QB. Cory's forced to fire Shawn Hunter, his best friend, following the revelation that Shawn once wrote 'Girls are Yucky' on a girl's notebook; though he's a lover of girls now, those words show Shawn as a flip-flopper. The flip-floppers are all over the place with the Rams. One week they really like what the Rams are; the next week they're just not sure about the Rams. It's headache-inducing. What are the chances a pivotal NFC West game in primetime on an expensive cable channel actually meets expectations? Arizona's stock was hurt by the near-loss to Tannehill's Dolphins. St. Louis out-grit the gritty Seahawks. Thursday night games aren't fun to watch anyway. I still like the Cardinals because of their defense and the way the team battles.

Cincinnati over Miami

-The Bengals were a popular choice for the Bad Good team but because of the media's horrible memory their 27-10 win over the Jaguars dropped them from the Bad Good team definition. I don't care which team is the Bad Good team. The word used to be average or mediocre, right? Cincy's an average team who happens to shine when it's just Jaguars on the other side of the line. Miami's mediocre thanks to an impressive defense and a sub-par offense. I'm elated the bromance Hartline wanted with Tannehil happened for him. Hartline caught 11 passes for 245 yards. I bet Hartline and Tannehill celebrated by shopping in Ikea. I'm not prepared to pick the Dolphins to win quite yet. Hard Knocks is still in my head.

Green Bay over Indianapolis

-Green Bay vs. New Orleans was awesome. It was the best game I've watched this season and it had nothing to do with controversial calls or replacement refs. Green Bay and NO are solid football teams who just played their asses off. I'd like to send my thoughts and prayers to Indy coach Chuck Pagano, who's leaving the team for a few weeks to get treatment for his leukemia. I wish nothing but the best for Mr. Pagano.

Baltimore over Kansas City

-The Chiefs turned the ball over six times against the Chargers. Romeo told the assembled media that Matt Cassell will continue to start for his football team (at the moment of course--gotta qualify it). I wonder if I'll experience a day when my boss feels the need to declare my job security to a bunch of people after I made mistake after mistake for close to a month. I’ll be a conductor on Obama’s high speed rail, and I may forget to collect tickets, or I may taunt the passenger by telling them I charge for air and they best keep their bill paid, but my boss will tell angry customers that I’ll remain high-speed rail conductor ‘for the moment.‘ Oh, I hope so. The Chiefs are screwed with or without Cassell. Brady Quinn's their backup.

New York Giants over Cleveland

-NBC's Go On had a scene in which John Cho's character told Matthew Perry's character they couldn't book Peyton Manning for Perry's drive-time radio show. Cho's character tries to soften the blow by confirming Colt McCoy's appearance on the show in place of Manning. Hollywood writers don't know what the hell's going on in football, do they? Perry's character shrugs the news off and begins rambling about something. I don't know. I forget. McCoy is the backup to Brandon Weeden. The poor guy's most famous moments involved him being concussed. He was interviewed after his final bowl game, clearly dazed and confused, and last season he played after being concussed by James Harrison of the Steelers. Cleveland isn't horrible in losing efforts; they're just young.

The Giants didn't play poorly against the Eagles. Domenik Hixon was the receiver to step this time. NYG needs Hakeem Nicks on the field, though. Cris Collinsworth made Hixon's performance feel as important a meeting on whether to declare war. Eli's happy the team's 2-2. I think Eli's just happy all the time. Now he gets a gift game against the young Browns.

Philadelphia over Pittsburgh

-I don't know which a weaker rivalry is: the Eagles/Steelers or the Phillies/Pirates. The Daily News devotes a week to Dallas Week. The Pittsburgh game's only been identified as the next opponents. Perhaps the memory of the Steagles era softened the collective hearts of Philadelphians towards the Steelers--past, present and future. Juan Castillo's defense confronted absolute disaster and lived to see the media praising them this week. Last season, the defensive PI calls would have been devastating but not in 2012. The Eagles won three games by a total of 4 points. Andy Reid said his boys beat pretty good football teams, too, which is true. So, I'm going to ride the wave of positivity. Also, Brandon Hughes is my second favorite cornerback now.

Atlanta over Washington

-Valencia leads their group in UEFA Champions League play. Jonas scored a breathtaking goal on Tuesday night; however, the squadron lags behind in 10th, 10 points behind Barcelona. I cannot continue comparing a La Liga team with a NFL team until Valencia inevitably loses in UEFA CL and Atlanta loses in the NFL playoffs. Washington, meanwhile, tried to blow their comfortable lead. They tried real, real hard. The Redskins have another running back to threaten whoever the hell bought Shanahan dinner during the week to earn a start. A small part of me, the part that suggests I watch WWE's Main Event in addition to RAW and Smackdown, thinks Washington upsets Atlanta. I'm the same guy who thought the Oakland A's were the worst team in baseball six months ago, so don't listen to me. But, please, continue reading the picks.

Carolina over Seattle

-My fan club continues to chime in on random reviews. I sure do love their poor grammar and poorly expressed opinions about my opinion on a particular show all the while pushing a DISH product related to television. How far has DISH's marketing/advertising departments fallen that they push products on a blog called TV With The Foot? Take your shit to Hitfix or IGN or AV Club. As for the game, Seattle's going to struggle as long as Wilson does. They're receivers are average. Marshawn's hit-or-miss still. Carolina's defense continues to be their weakest point. The game should be close, but sloppy.

Chicago over Jacksonville

-The media got on Jay Cutler for walking away from Mike Tice once Tice sat down next to him on the bench. Who the hell cares if Cutler walked away from Mike Tice? Cutler claims he went to get a drink of water and then accused newspaper writers of trying to sell newspapers. Cutler's a bastard; I won't deny that. The Daily News spotlighted the Cutler nonsense with their usual snide comments about awful athlete attacking the holy profession of journalism. At least they acknowledged Cutler credited Tice with crucial second half adjustments in their win. Cutler will only lose in scuffles with the media. Mike Richards, a former Flyer, is viewed as one of the city's worst athletes by the media. According to Marcus Hayes, fans didn't like his abrasive attitude with the media, like fans give a shit about how a player treats the media. Mike Richards was awesome as a Flyer, and he's still awesome as a King. The 'bad guy' doesn't change in the media's narrative, which is why Cutler could save millions from starving but would still be attacked if he told his receiver he shouldn't drop so many passes.

Minnesota over Tennessee

-Chris Johnson! The dude rushed for 141 yards last week. I always believed in you, CJ2K. I'm really interested in seeing Hasselbeck play 4 quarters with the team. Hasselbeck wasn't a bad starter last season. I don't think a good game from Hasselbeck spells victory for the Titans. The Titans are really bad. Minnesota scored on two special teams plays last week. I don't want to declare them the favorites in the NFC North quite yet. Like the Giants, though, the Vikes get a bit of gift with this game. But, again I remind you, I usually eat my words.

New England over Denver

-The Patriots scored 45 points in the second half. I mentally prepared a paragraph about the dominance of Ryan Fitzpatrick during the first half. By the second half the paragraph faded away like the Buffalo defense. Meanwhile, Tom Brady paid respect to Peyton Manning in advance of another battle. New England seems pissed off and determined, judging by the 45 points, but one never wants to draw conclusions from a game against Buffalo. Denver rebounded from a rough spell in their win last week. Manning threw for 300 yards and 3 TDs. I imagine CBS will air a montage of past Brady vs. Manning games 547 times.

Buffalo over San Francisco

-It's the Buffalo Bills! I was just writing about them! The 49ers beat the Jets 34-0 last week, a team that owns Buffalo. I know this is a stupid pick; if I finish 13-1 in picks because of this game I'll be really mad for 20 seconds until I forget about it. It's time for a crazy pick, you know? I picked a lot of favorites in Week 5. The most troublesome thing about the game for me is the distinct possibility I'll start three Bills this week.

San Diego over New Orleans

-New Orleans and San Diego will probably tie, given New Orleans trend of late. I want to know if San Diego's electric about the Chargers. Norv's team is 3-1. Rivers is playing well and avoiding national scrutiny. Their receivers and tight-ends have been solid. I asked my friend who recently moved to San Diego about the town's possible buzz over the Chargers. His response: "I don't know." Anyway, Chase Headley led baseball in RBIs this season. The Padres finished with 76 wins and were noticeably better in the last four months of the season. I wonder if they'll still trade Headley this winter.

Houston over New York Jets

-Rex Ryan needs to bring in a band of NFL legends to motivate the New York Jets, like the scene in Little Giants when Rad Tad brought in Madden, Emmitt Smith and others to teach the team about intimidation and belief in themselves; or they need an Air-Bud type dog to coordinate the defense AND serve as director of player personnel AND general manager.

Last Week: 12-3
Overall: 40-23


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About The Foot

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Originally, I titled the blog Jacob's Foot after the giant foot that Jacob inhabited in LOST. That ended. It became TV With The Foot in 2010. I wrote about a lot of TV.